Chapter 5 excerpt and we are winding down. Release day is in about two weeks. I'm getting excited to introduce you to JC and Trevor. I hope you fall in love with them too! Pre-order now! ALL OTHER RETAILERS ---- AMAZON
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By the time JC was done taking pictures he was steeped in guilt. Why, every time he had a new experience, did he wonder what Ben would think about it. He was in paradise with the most amazing man he’d met in years, one he felt comfortable saying the words I love you too, and here he was thinking about Ben. But he and Ben had talked many times about the different kinds of places they wanted to see together…and this was one of those kinds of places.
Sometimes he wished that he and Ben had only been best friends, that they had never fallen in love. But that in itself brought more guilt because he wouldn’t trade their time together for anything in the world. His childhood had made him who he was today. He was a successful, well-loved teacher, a father to two amazing kids, and what some said was a good man. His main fault was his inability to let go of things he’d once loved. But at least he had loved. At least he was capable of love – complete, absolute love.
“Hey, how long have you been back?” Trevor asked as he walked into the main room of their villa.
“Not long. Are you ready for lunch?”
“Yeah…is everything okay?”
“Yeah, after last night how could it not be.” But JC knew he didn’t sound convincing.
“We’ll talk while we eat,” Trevor said matter-of-factly.
They decided to eat their lunch outside on the beach. It was a beautiful, sunny day out and the ocean breeze was light and would keep them cool.
Trevor passed JC the sweetener for his tea then brought up his boyfriend’s mood. “What’s wrong?”
“I’m pretty sure you won’t want to hear it.”
“Now that you’ve said that I definitely want to hear it.”
With a sigh, JC set his burger back on his plate and looked out over the ocean. “I’m doing it again. I was walking along the beach taking pictures and wishing you were there with me…you know, the whole romantic scene of a couple walking along the beach hand in hand. But then my thoughts shifted, and I wondered what Ben would think of this place. What it would have been like if we’d been able to come here.”
Trevor shifted in his seat and cleared his throat. He was obviously uncomfortable with what his boyfriend was saying. “I…Do you wish you’d come here with him instead of me?”
“No!” JC was quick to answer. “No, not at all. I only want to be here with you, but I wonder what things would have been like if it had ended differently for Ben. It’s the same old shit that gets in the way every fucking time!”
“I’m not going to say that it doesn’t feel like a knife was sliced across my chest just now,” Trevor said softly. “But I understand what you mean.”
“I’m sorry.”
Trevor nodded and took a bite of his food. Not that it had any taste anymore. But he knew he needed to eat. JC did the same.”
“I wonder, all the time, why he died. If I knew that, if I knew what happened, I could stop thinking about him. He was fine one day and the next he went up to the cabin and killed himself. I truly believe he was fine when he drove away from Harper’s Rock that day. What happened in those few hours before he pulled the trigger.”
Trevor reached over, tentatively, and touched his hand. “Maybe you should go talk to the Harpers. Maybe they can help you.”
“But they don’t know,” he whispered.
“But maybe the mutual hurt, their mutual questions can help you. It would be worth a shot.”
“I don’t know if I can.”
Trevor looked away, over at another couple walking along the main beach. “You’ll have to eventually. Sooner rather than later please.”
“You’re going to walk away after all aren’t you?”
Trevor was quiet, trying to control his breathing. “No. I love you and I’ll stick by you for as long as I can, but this is the first time I’ve ever been hurt by something you said about Ben. I’m afraid it will become a habit.”
“I’m so sorry. I thought things were getting better, then all of a sudden…”
“All of a sudden you’re doing stuff that you once wanted to do with him and it’s affecting you. I understand, but it still hurts that I’m not the only one on your mind. Do you think of him when we…when we make love?”
“No. I thought only of you and how much I love you and how good you make me feel.”
“Good. Maybe because that is something you and Ben actually did together?”
“Could be. I’ll try not to let you know when this happens in the future. I don’t like hurting you.”
Trevor actually chuckled. “You’re not a very good actor, I can tell when you are upset even if you are trying to hide it. Just promise me that you’ll be open and honest and we’ll talk it out. Okay?”
“Yeah,” JC said, taking Trevor’s hand and kissing his palm. “I promise.” But he knew from that point on he would do everything he could do to be a better actor. He couldn’t stand the thought of hurting the man he loved that much.
