Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts

EXCERPT CHAPTER 7 - ANGUISH


This one is from Chapter 7. We see Ben and JC starting to explore their relationship, not only physically but emotionally too. How much closer will they get? And what will happen next in their epic love story? 


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“God, I don’t believe we just did that,” Ben gasped into the phone.
“I do,” JC chuckled. “Are you okay? It sounds like something’s wrong.”
“I’m okay,” Ben mumbled, rolling over onto his side. “It just feels strange.”
“I’m sorry, I never should have…”
“It was my idea,” Ben reminded him. “I just feel weird now that it’s over.”
“Maybe you weren’t ready. We don’t have to do it again if you don’t want.”
“It’s not that… I…I just wanted to do it together. I don’t like it as much over the phone, I guess. I want to see you, to feel you.”
“Our talk of New Year's Eve… you really meant that didn’t you?  I…I thought we were just talking.”
“I don’t want to plan these things, but the more I think about it, the more I think I’ll make a move on you. And it scares me to death. My body is screaming at me to do something, and my mind is screaming at me telling me to slow down because we’re only fifteen and a half. God, I hate this!” Ben shifted in bed and rolled over onto his other side. "But I…I guess maybe you’re right, that is what I was thinking. Doesn’t just about every fifteen-year-old in the world struggle with this?”
“Yeah, it’s part of growing up, right?  We have these physical feelings, urges, and they battle inside of us with the part that tells us we’re too young. That we should live a bit more.”
“Should we?” Ben whispered.
“Only you can answer that. My cousin Amber started having sex when she was fifteen and doesn’t regret a moment of it. My cousin Keith started when he was seventeen and then swore off of it until he was twenty-three. It just depends.”
“I don’t know what to do, JC. Physically I want you but I’m not sure how much I can give you yet.”
“It’s okay, Benjamin. We’ll just take it slow. The worst that can happen is that we jerk off a lot – separately.”

Ben laughed for the first time since JC had called him a half-hour before. “Do you still want to spend the night on New Year’s Eve? We may or may not do something physical but I promise we'll have fun.”
“I’ll be there. No matter what.”
The line was silent for a moment, but not awkwardly so, before Ben spoke again. “Can I ask you a question?”
“Of course, you know that.”
“What do you think the future holds for us?”
“I can’t know yet,” JC said. “I’m thinking about journalism but that’s as far as I’ve gotten. Why?”
“I have my whole future planned out but I’m afraid it might not include you.”
“I hope it does. God, I never thought about our paths separating us from each other. You were always there and always would be. Even when I was in Cali, I thought we’d end up in the same place together eventually.”
“Well,” Ben sighed. “It’s all I can think about lately. I want to go to art school in San Francisco. But I also want to study programming so I figure a four year school is in my future. Major in computer science, minor in art. I’m scared because I know how you feel about California but I don’t think staying in Hicksville, Wyoming is a good idea.”
“I don’t plan on staying either, Ben. I’m pretty sure colleges in San Francisco have journalism programs, right?”
“Well yeah… I just…”
“Why is it any different now?” JC asked in a whisper. “We were going to go to UW together when we were just friends.”
“I know,” Ben muttered. “I was the one who was so adamant about things not changing between us and here I am thinking that things have changed when they haven’t.”
“It’s because you’re the worrier. But in the end, you’re the strongest when the shit hits the fan. You have the steadiest hand.”
“Okay, I’ll try not to worry too much. Maybe the new dose of medicine will help.”                                     “We’ll be fine, Ben. Our dreams will come true. If someday we are meant to take separate paths, we’ll deal with it then.”
“Okay. Thank you, JC.”
“You’re welcome, but I’m not sure what you’re thanking me for.”
“For being my rock when I get crazy. I hate it, I’m usually the one who can think clearly and plow through the crap.”
“We all need to be crazy sometimes, and tonight was your turn. Do you feel better about what we did earlier?”
A smile broke over Ben’s face. He wished JC could see it. “Yeah, much better. It was incredible. I realize it now that I’m thinking straight again.” Hearing his voice while he…It was absolutely thrilling.
“Good,” JC whispered. "I’d better go. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

“Okay, Bye James. Dream of me.”
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EXCERPT CHAPTER 6 - ANGUISH: BEN'S STORY


Here are some excerpts from the true beginning of Ben and JC's relationship; the moment when they knew they could finally be together. And this is also the beginnings of the struggles they had with Ben wanting to live free and JC needing to hide.

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“I think we should spend the 22nd together. Movie, pizza and the fort. I’m brace free and should be pretty much good to go.”
"Good. I’ll see you then and I’ll call you tomorrow. Mom’s calling me for supper.”
“Okay, talk to you later. Ben… I love you.”
“I love you too.” He hung up the phone and hurried down the stairs. His smile lit up the whole dining room when he walked in. “Hey everybody!”
“Well, look at you. My happy son is back. That medicine must be starting to work,” Evie gushed.
“It’s more than that I think, Mama,” Dylan piped up. “He was waiting for a call from JC.”
“Oh really?” Cole asked. “You haven’t talked to him in quite a while. Is your fight finally fading?”

Ben smiled and looked around at his family. It seemed the secrecy would begin now, a whole month before JC came home. But they would be able to be together and that was all that mattered. Hell, his family was always so supportive and understanding he might just come out to them soon. It would make things so much easier. “JC and I are friends again. Best friends.”

**********
Ben woke with a feeling that something was wrong. The sun shining through the curtains was too bright and the sounds coming from downstairs were louder than they should be for early morning. His brothers must have had enough of sleeping in on Christmas break. If he’d slept too late, his mom would have woken him. She knew how much it meant to him to be there to greet JC.
Rolling over onto his left side to try to go back to sleep, he was shocked to see that the clock read twelve, but then it was blinking which meant the power had gone out. Shit. What the hell time was it then? If his mother had let him sleep past noon…
Reaching into his nightstand drawer, he pulled out his watch. 11:53. Oh great. If he didn’t hurry, he was going to be late. Minutes later, he was dressed and headed down the stairs. “Ma! Why didn’t you wake me up. You know JC was coming in on the noon bus.”
“I’m sorry, I was on the phone with the insurance company all morning. I figured your alarm would wake you up.”
“But the power went out. My clock was flashing 12.”
“The power didn’t go out, Benjamin. Besides your clock has battery backup.”
“But then why is it flashing?”
“You probably need a new one,” Evelyn sighed. “I’ll grab one while I’m in town. Are you ready to go? You look like you’re about to explode.”
“Yeah,” he smiled big. “Let’s go already!”
Evelyn chuckled and hurried out of the room after her son.

**********

Ben sat on the steps of the porch of JC’s old house. They’d been lucky enough to rent it again. His fingers wouldn’t stop moving, first up and down his pant leg, and then playing with blades of dead grass that poked up out of the mostly melted snow by his feet.
The minute he saw the vehicle turn down the street, he was up and waiting at the side of the driveway. He could see JC in the back cab of the truck but he didn’t want to look too close. Six hard months had passed since they’d seen each other and he wanted to be able to take in every nuance, every change all at once. Although he kept telling himself to breathe, he couldn’t help but hold his breath.
When JC stepped out of the truck, Ben’s gaze swept him from top to bottom then back up to rest on his gorgeous face. A small scar sat on his jaw line, his normally long, dark brown hair was cropped short and a big smile shined on his face.
“Benjamin,” he said with a nod.
“James,” Ben returned.
JC moved well considering what his body had been through recently and before either of them had time to think, they were toe-to-toe. “It’s really good to have you home,” Ben murmured.
“It’s good to be home,” JC whispered, reaching out to briefly embrace his best friend… boyfriend. They both now knew that to each other, home was together.

********** 
BONUS EXCERPT

“God, we sound like we’re in love or something. I just wish we could shout it everywhere.”
“Me too…speaking of which, I want to come out to my family. I think it might make it easier. We would have one place where we could hold hands or hug, or kiss – within reason. We could have one place where we could be ourselves.”
“No!” JC exclaimed as he stood up and started to pace. “Do not tell your family!”
“Please, JC. I don’t like keeping things from them. They’ll support us, I’m sure of it.”
“But I can’t take that risk,” JC said, his voice panicked. “It could accidentally come out if even only one person knows.”
“Abby knows.”
“I don’t mind her knowing, she’s one of us and she’s not here for more than a few months a year.”
“My family wouldn’t tell anybody if we asked them not to.” Ben felt sick to his stomach. He didn’t feel like there was anything to hide. Just telling his family was a good compromise. It would make him feel so much better. 

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EXCERPT CHAPTER 5 - ANGUISH






We've got two short excerpts this time! One shows the rapport between Ben and his best friend/cousin Abigail. They are closer than siblings and she is his main confidant. Their relationship is special and plays a part in her future (In the contemporary romance Stormy Seas: Abigail's Story) 

The second excerpt shows a bit of relationship building between Ben and JC before the final get together. Enjoy!
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Amid the fun sounds of summer, Ben hurried inside and headed upstairs to find Abby. “Hey are you okay? Why didn’t you come back?”
“I thought it might be a good idea to steer clear of Chris for a while. I decided to write instead.”
“You reacted better than I would have,” Ben chuckled. “I probably would have stewed over it for a month.”
Abigail shrugged without looking up from her paper. “They’re just boobs and if he sees them now and likes them, he might want to see them again someday.”
“Well, well,” Ben chuckled. “My sweet Abby is having impure thoughts.”
“Like you don’t.”
“Ah! I’m offended. I’m sweet and innocent, dear cousin. Heck I’m almost fifteen and I’ve never even had a crush on a girl.”
“Yeah,” Abby laughed. “But you’ve kissed a boy who gave you a boner.”
“Shh, it’s a secret,” he said with wide, innocent eyes and a wink. “Can I draw while you write, or do you want to be alone?”
“You know the answer to that. Go get your stuff.”

**********

JC looked straight ahead through the windshield,  he couldn’t quite bring himself to make eye contact. “I just needed to apologize…for how I ended things. I should have told you in person and not with that stupid letter.”
“That hurt…a lot,” Ben admitted, “But I accept your apology.”
JC’s gaze finally swung over to Ben’s and held. “I lied,” he said softly. “I’m not doing good. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t wonder if people assume I’m gay.  Or if someone can guess, when I say your name, that we’ve kissed. There isn’t an hour that goes by that I’m not wondering how I can ignore my feelings for you. But on the other hand, I don’t have the strength to not care what people will think. I don’t have the power to admit what’s right in front of me.”
“Good,” Ben said with a smile. “I’m glad you’re miserable and I’m not trying to be mean. I…I just hope that if these things keep lying in your mind that you will eventually realize how much easier it is to just go with your gut and love me.”
“You’re an ass,” JC chuckled. “But I’m not so sure that will ever happen.”
“I can wait,” Ben said with as smile. “But not forever. Someday I will meet someone new.” He hoped he sounded convincing because he couldn’t imagine ever finding anyone else.
JC stared out the windshield again. “Maybe you should just try to do that.”
“I’d rather wait for a while. I have faith in you.”
“So, what have you been up to?” JC asked to change the subject as he fidgeted uncomfortably. And it worked, he and Ben talked about what had been going on in their lives, almost like they were best friends again. But their time was soon interrupted by Abby’s knock on the window. “You’ve got about ten minutes to wrap it up guys. Mom and Dad will be here soon.”
“Can I call…or maybe write to you sometimes?” Ben asked hopefully.
“You can write, but I can’t guarantee I’ll answer. It’s too painful.”
“Okay,” Ben agreed. “I understand.”
“I’d better go,” JC said, reaching for the door handle.
“Wait!” Ben said, grabbing his hand and pulling him close. “Goodbye James.” His lips came down in a kiss that went from sweet to earth shattering before they pulled apart and JC stumbled from the van.
“Goodbye, Benjamin,” he breathed, turning and heading back to where his parents would be waiting for him.
“You okay cousin?” Abby asked, breaking into his reverie.
“For now,” Ben murmured. “For now.”
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EXCERPT CHAPTER 4 - ANGUISH: BEN'S STORY

Hey there everybody! It is now time for the excerpt from Chapter 4 of Anguish This one touches on the depression aspect of the story...this particular excerpt touches on it in a big way. This is when his life and his disorder start to change into something that is harder to handle.  Again, if you need help with your mental health, please ask someone - family, friends, teachers, bosses, doctors. They are there to help. As someone with depression and anxiety I can tell you that taking that first step is so hard but in the end, oh my goodness it is so worth it.  Take care of yourselves, my friends! I adore each and every one of you and am glad you are in my life.

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Despite having just lost his best friend and potential boyfriend, the three days he was able to spend with Abby buoyed him to the point that he didn’t think of JC all day. And the suffocating moments were few and far between.
If he wasn’t wrapped up in one of Abby’s stories, he was busy drawing or creating clever programs on the computer. And after a December 27th snowstorm, the weather cleared and warmed up enough for them to go riding. As much as Abby wanted to go to the fort, Ben kept her away. He knew the memories of kissing JC would bring some of the darkness back.
 At that point, darkness was being reserved for his drawings. It seemed war and death were his new favorite themes. But now, the thought of Abby leaving in a few hours made his heart ache every minute until she left. He was definitely looking forward to summer.
“No backing out, Ben. You’re coming to Nevada to visit in June,” Abby stressed as they finally walked into the warm and inviting ranch house.
“I’ll be there. We’re going to have so much fun.”
“Are you ready, Abigail?” Ethan asked. “We need to get the rental car back before five.”
“Yeah, I guess so,” she sighed. “We really need to move here.”
Ben hugged her tight. “I’ll see you soon. Call me when you get home.”
“I will, Bennie Boy."  With a kiss to his cheek, she grabbed her bag from by the door and followed her dad to the car.
“Hey Ben, wanna come play a game with me?” Dylan asked from the kitchen doorway. “Please? You’ve been so busy with JC and Abby lately.”
“I’m sorry, brat. Not right now. Tomorrow or the next day, okay?”
“Yeah sure,” Dylan murmured softly. “You never do anything when Abby leaves.”
“Come on, little brother,” Russell said.  "Ben just misses having her here. Why don’t you, me and Logan go tune up the snowmobiles so we can use them when the big storm hits this weekend.”
Ben walked slowly up the stairs feeling like the lowest form of human. How hard would it have been for him to play a kids' game with his six-year-old little brother? But somehow he just couldn’t.  He wanted to be alone, he had to be alone.
He knew it was coming the minute he opened his bedroom door. But as hard as he tried to turn around and run out to the barnyard to join his brothers, his feet just wouldn’t cooperate. As if he had no control over them, he walked to his bed and lay down.
That suffocating, drowning, gut-wrenching feeling swept over him for the first time in a week. And he welcomed it with every particle of his being. As uncomfortable as it was, the sense of normalcy brought a smile to his face – until a new feeling hit him. Anger. Steady unwavering anger settled into his chest. It was anger at himself for being so loathsome, at JC for hurting him and at Abby for leaving him. It was a rage he wanted to scream to the world but couldn’t.
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