EXCERPT CHAPTER 1 - ANGUISH

Welcome to Anguish: For those of you who know my Harper's Rock series, you will know who Ben is. He is the oldest Harper Brother and I have saved his story for last because it ended first. I hope you enjoy!  

Here is the first excerpt from Chapter 1
Please keep in mind that the attitude and perception of gay youth were much different in this time period and in small-town mountain west during this time period. 

November  1, 1997 - Journal entry
My name is Benjamin Harper but everyone calls me Ben. I’m writing in this journal not really because I want to, but because my doctor recommended it. You see, it appears that Ben Harper doesn’t have the perfect life that everyone thinks he does. Believe it or not, Ben Harper is mentally ill. He suffers from depression…I suffer from depression. I’ve admitted that now. I know I do, I just hate everything about it - when I say it, when I read it and especially when I write it down.

The doctor said I need to not only write about day to day stuff but also about past events that have made me who I am today.  Truthfully, it is like my life didn’t really exist until 1996, the year I turned fourteen. Although, I do see the times before that when the depression and anxiety reared its head.

Maybe if I write about what happened in 1996 I’ll be able to figure out why I never really felt alive until then. In a flash, my life changed forever the summer I turned fourteen because that was when I realized I was in love with my best friend. JC Croft…well, he’s adorable and kind. But the best part, the best part is that I recently found out that he loves me too.

July 29, 1996 Harper’s Rock, Wyoming

“Hey man, it’s not going to be the same without you here,” Ben told his best friend as they carried the last of his suitcases out to the waiting truck.

JC grunted. “Tell me about it, man. I’m never going to find another good friend in California. I really don’t believe a good ol’ Wyoming boy is going to have much in common with a bunch of California beach bums.”

Ben couldn’t help but laugh at the exaggerated look of horror on his friend’s face. “Yeah, but just think about all of the pretty little beach bunnies. Maybe you’ll find a girlfriend instead.”

“Uh…sure…sure." JC shrugged and turned to face his friend’s cousin, Abigail, who was standing nearby. “Make sure he stays on the straight and narrow for me, Abby. Lord knows what he’ll do without me.”

“You  know I will,” she said, tossing a look at her cousin. His head was ducked which most likely meant that he was blushing and his face was probably as red as his hair. “Take care, JC.”

“Thanks Abby,” he said, turning back to Ben, his hand thrust out to shake. “Everyone else is in the truck. I…I’d better get going.”

“Okay," Ben said softly, clasping his friend’s hand. As quick as a flash they pulled each other into a hug and then it was over. JC rounded the vehicle and hopped inside. His dad started the engine and pulled away. The two boys, who’d been best friends since Kindergarten, waved until they could no longer see each other.

Abigail stood, watching her cousin as several different emotions played across his face. The one that finally settled in scared her. They’d also been best friends for their whole childhood and she had never seen such a look of terror in his eyes. Why was he so scared? But before she could ask, he took off at a dead run. Her first thought was that he was running after JC, but when she saw him veer off the road and head for the fields that would take him to town in a short cut, she knew something was wrong.

Quickly thanking God that she hadn’t worn her sandals that hot July morning, she took off after him. She knew her cousin well. He was headed for the local playground, which was his closest thinking spot when in town. As her tennis shoes slapped the hardened, dry ground underneath the brush she couldn’t help but hope that this early in the morning the seldom used playground would indeed be empty. Her highly charged, very emotional cousin was headed for a breakdown.

Momentarily he disappeared over the hill that led down into the playground and when she crested it, Ben was settling himself into a rubber and chain swing. She could hear his moaning sobs.

As hard as she tried, Abby just couldn’t imagine what was going on. Of course Ben would miss JC, but this was a bit extreme even for her tightly wound cousin. “Ben. What’s wrong?”

Looking at the ground he was gasping for breath, for control. “I…I…” he tried to say.

“It’s okay,” Abby assured him. “Take your time and catch your breath. I know you’ll miss JC but everything will be…”

A cry tore from Ben’s throat as he looked up at Abigail and slid out of the swing and onto his knees in the gravel.

“Don’t you understand?” he cried. “It’s not that…It’s not… I love him, Abby. I know for sure, one hundred percent, I’m in love with my best friend. Good God,  I am gay.” His last three words came out as a whisper.

There had been times when Abby had wondered. Ben was always so obvious in his affection for JC, but it seemed so natural for them that no one ever batted an eye. And of course, she only spent summers with them so she didn’t know how they acted around school friends. God, so much made sense now. She often confided in him about her current crushes but he never did. He and JC never talked about girls. “Yes,” she murmured. “You do love him.”

“I do. God help me, I do.” The tears flowed freely as he rocked back and forth on his knees.

Abby eased herself down next to him. "It’s going to be okay, Ben. We both knew you were different, special. Is it really that big of a surprise?”

“Yes… No…” Ben looked up at her. “You knew?”

“I had an inkling,” she nodded.  "But it’s not like I thought about it much.”

“Deep down, I think I’ve always known,” he whispered. “But what I never knew was that I was in love with the one person I could never have. The guy who is moving to California as we speak. I’ll probably never see him again. God, what guy would understand that his best friend wanted so desperately to kiss him goodbye?”

“I’m sorry,” Abby said softly, hugging him. “But I think JC might be gay too. He might not mind so much.”

“Thanks Abs, but please don’t. I can’t get my hopes up. If my heart becomes any more broken, I don’t know if I can… Who wants to live with this kind of pain or confusion, or whatever it is?”

“Okay,” Abby agreed quietly. “But that’s no way to exist. Sometimes you need to take a chance.”

“Please don’t,” he murmured again. “Enough of this crying shit. It’s time to suck it up.”

Abby smiled and stood up. “What should we do now? We have another half-hour until we need to meet Aunt Evie and Uncle Cole at the diner for lunch.”

Ben had his usual sweet grin on his face again but his turmoil was far from over. “How about we race each other to the Soda Fountain for some ice cream? The loser buys the cones and we spoil our lunch.”

“You’re on!” Abby said, turning to run.

“Hey Abby, wait.”

"What is it?”

Ben held out his pinky finger to her. “Cousin pinky swear that you will never tell anyone that I’m gay. I’ll do it myself when I get to know the new…and the old... me better.”

“We haven’t cousin pinky sworn since we were ten,” she whispered. “I know this must be important to you so of course, I’ll keep your secret. Forever.”

Abigail reached out, her pinky wrapping around Ben's, their hands moving in an up and down motion.